Forgiveness - The Hardest Commandment

“That person destroyed my life.” “I will never forgive her.” “He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.” “Why should I let someone off the hook who never even apologized?”

Each of us carries wounds. Each of us has someone who hurt us - a parent, a partner, a friend, a stranger. And each of us faces the same question: what do we do with it now?

The world says: you have every right to be angry. You have every right to hold a grudge. You don’t owe anyone forgiveness.

Jesus says something radically different. And what He says is the hardest commandment He ever gave.

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally. Quite the opposite - everything in us rebels against it. Why?

A sense of injustice. “They should pay for this.” When someone wrongs us, a deep sense of justice stirs within. And rightly so - the harm is real. But resentment transforms the desire for justice into a desire for revenge. And those are not the same thing.

The pain is real. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the harm “wasn’t that bad.” It was. The pain you feel is real and justified. The problem isn’t the pain - it’s what you do with it.

Ego. Resentment gives a sense of moral superiority. As long as I don’t forgive, I’m “the better one.” Holding onto anger lets me feel righteous. But it’s an illusion - the Bible makes clear that none of us is righteous on our own, that we ourselves need forgiveness, and that we ourselves hurt others many times over.

Fear. “If I forgive, it will happen again.” We’re afraid that forgiveness means opening ourselves to further harm. That it’s naive. That it’s weakness.

But that’s not true. And to understand why, we first need to clarify what forgiveness is not.

What Forgiveness Is NOT

This distinction is crucial - without it, forgiveness seems absurd.

Forgiveness does not require reconciliation - because reconciliation requires both parties. You can forgive someone who never apologized, who still thinks they were right, who is no longer alive. Forgiveness is your decision, independent of the other person.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean you have to trust someone again. Trust is built - and the person who destroyed it must rebuild it through their actions. But that has nothing to do with forgiveness.

At the foundation of forgiveness lie two things: giving up revenge and treating the other person as someone who has gone astray. Because every human being goes astray. If that person wants to repent, wants to make right what they did - help them. Not because they deserve it, but because you yourself needed and still need that very same grace.

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

Peter once asked Jesus something that haunts us all:

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

- Mt 18:21-22 (ESV)

Peter thought he was being generous by suggesting seven. The rabbis of his time taught that three times was enough. Seven was more than double that.

But Jesus says: seventy-seven times. It’s not a number - it’s infinity. Don’t keep count. Don’t track it. Forgive - period.

And then He tells a parable that changes everything.

Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.” And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

- Mt 18:23-27 (ESV)

Ten thousand talents. To understand the scale - one talent equaled roughly 20 years of a common laborer’s wages. Ten thousand talents equals 200,000 years of work. An impossible debt. Absurdly, astronomically impossible to repay.

And the master simply forgives it. Unconditionally.

So what does the servant do?

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, “Pay what you owe.” So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you.” He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

- Mt 18:28-30 (ESV)

A hundred denarii - roughly 100 days of work. A real debt, but tiny compared to what he himself was forgiven. The ratio is cosmic: 200,000 years versus 100 days. And he chokes his colleague over pennies.

Jesus’ message is crushing: the debt God has forgiven you is infinitely greater than anything anyone could ever owe you. Every sin, every violation of God’s law, every day lived without God - that’s an unpayable debt. And God forgave it.

And now you’re choking your brother over a hundred denarii?

Jesus on the Cross - Forgiveness in Its Purest Form

There is one moment in history that silences anyone who says “I can’t forgive.”

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

- Lk 23:34 (ESV)

Notice the context. Jesus speaks these words during His crucifixion. Not afterward. Not from the distance of years. Not from the perspective of “time heals all wounds.” At the moment when nails pierce His body, when soldiers divide His clothing, when the crowd mocks Him.

This is not forgiving someone who stepped on your foot. This is forgiving your torturers at the moment of deepest agony and humiliation. And not for Himself - He asks the Father to forgive them.

Jesus doesn’t say “it’s no big deal.” He doesn’t say “I understand why they’re doing this.” He says: “forgive them.” Despite everything. Against everything.

Stephen, the first martyr, repeats exactly this pattern as he is stoned to death:

And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

- Acts 7:60 (ESV)

The last words of a dying man - not a curse, not a complaint, but a plea for forgiveness for his murderers.

Joseph - The Forgiveness That Changed History

The story of Joseph in Genesis is one of the most powerful illustrations of forgiveness in the entire Bible.

Joseph was Jacob’s beloved son. His brothers - out of jealousy - sold him as a slave to Egypt. He was seventeen years old. Torn from his home, his family, everything he knew.

In Egypt, falsely accused of assault, he was thrown into prison. He sat there for years, forgotten, abandoned.

And then - through an extraordinary series of events - he rose to power, becoming the second most powerful man in Egypt.

The moment comes when his brothers stand before him, not knowing who he is. He has absolute power over them. He could take revenge. He could destroy them. No one would blame him.

What does he do? He forgives.

But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

- Gen 50:19-21 (ESV)

Joseph doesn’t say “what you did was okay.” He says directly: “you meant evil against me.” He names the wrong. But he adds something extraordinary: “God meant it for good.”

This isn’t naivety. This isn’t denial. This is the perspective of a man who entrusted justice to God - and saw how God turned suffering into something good.

A Non-Negotiable Condition

Jesus doesn’t present forgiveness as an option. He doesn’t say “it would be nice if you forgave.” He says something that sends chills down your spine:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

- Mt 6:14-15 (ESV)

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

- Mk 11:25 (ESV)

This isn’t a threat - it’s logic. Whoever doesn’t forgive doesn’t understand what grace is. Whoever expects God to forgive 200,000 years of debt while choking a brother over 100 denarii - that person hasn’t grasped what mercy means.

The parable of the unforgiving servant ends with terrifying words:

And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

- Mt 18:34-35 (ESV)

God revokes forgiveness from the one who won’t forgive. This is the only place in the Gospels where God takes back something He gave. And it concerns forgiveness.

Forgiveness Frees YOU, Not Them

Most people think of forgiveness as something we do for the other person. “Why should I do them such a favor? They don’t deserve it.”

But forgiveness isn’t a gift for the offender. It’s a gift for you.

Resentment is a prison you lock yourself in. You carry anger, bitterness, desire for revenge - and you think you’re punishing the other person. But that person may not even know about your anger. They may have long forgotten about you. They may be living their life in peace. And you? You’re rotting from the inside, and your anger and emotions won’t let you truly live.

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.

- Heb 12:15 (ESV)

“Root of bitterness” - that’s a powerful image. Bitterness doesn’t stay still. It grows. It spreads. You poison yourself, your relationships, your children. What started as justified pain becomes a toxin destroying your life from within.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

- Eph 4:31-32 (ESV)

Notice the order: first put away bitterness and anger, then forgive. Because as long as you feed bitterness within yourself, forgiveness is impossible.

And what about justice?

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

- Rom 12:19 (ESV)

Justice isn’t your responsibility - it’s God’s. By entrusting justice to God, you release a burden you cannot carry. God sees everything. God will settle accounts. Your role isn’t to punish - your role is to set yourself free.

How to Forgive - Practical Steps

Since forgiveness is a decision of the will, not a feeling - how do you make it? Here is the path the Bible points to:

1. Acknowledge the pain. Don’t minimize the wrong. Don’t say “it’s nothing.” If someone destroyed your childhood, that’s a serious matter. Jesus never trivialized human suffering.

2. Name what was done to you. Specifically, not vaguely. Not “they hurt me,” but “they betrayed my trust,” “they abused me as a child,” “they lied to me for years.” Joseph told his brothers plainly: “you meant evil against me.” Naming the wrong isn’t a lack of forgiveness - it’s a prerequisite for real forgiveness.

3. Show understanding. The person who hurt you is sinful. They stumble. They make mistakes. Just like you. Just like every one of us. Recall the moments you yourself would rather forget - the times you hurt someone, perhaps without even knowing it. Each of us carries such memories. Acknowledge human nature - not to justify the harm, but to see that on the other side also stands a fallen person who needs grace just as much as you do.

4. Make the decision. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not a feeling. You don’t need to “feel” forgiveness to forgive. You decide: I give up my right to revenge. I hand this matter over to God. I will no longer carry this burden.

5. Pray for that person. This is the hardest step - and the most transformative.

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

- Mt 5:44 (ESV)

You don’t have to pray for good things for that person if you can’t. Start with: “God, I hand this person over to You.” Over time, prayer doesn’t change that person - it changes your heart.

6. Entrust justice to God. It’s not your role to punish. God sees everything. God is just. “Vengeance is mine” - says the Lord. Trust that He will settle accounts.

7. Don’t wait for an apology. Jesus forgave on the cross people who weren’t sorry. Stephen forgave those who stoned him. Your forgiveness doesn’t depend on the other person’s attitude.

8. Repeat as many times as needed. Forgiveness is a process. There will be days when anger returns. When memories hurt again. That’s normal. Then you make the decision once more. Seventy-seven times - remember?

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

- Col 3:13 (ESV)

The Hardest Act of Strength

The world says: revenge is strength. Whoever forgives is weak. Whoever lets go loses.

The Bible says exactly the opposite.

Revenge is easy. It’s instinctive. It’s natural. Every animal strikes back when wounded. Revenge requires no spiritual strength - anger alone is enough.

Forgiveness is supernatural. It requires strength we don’t have on our own. It means looking at someone who did their worst to you and saying: “I hand this over to God.” This is not a human reaction - it’s God’s grace working through a person.

Jesus didn’t say “forgive because it’s easy.” He didn’t say “forgive because the other person deserves it.” He said: “forgive because I have forgiven you.”

The debt forgiven to you is infinite. The grace you received is unconditional. The forgiveness God showed you cost the blood of His Son.

In light of that - what is someone’s hundred denarii compared to your ten thousand talents?

Forgiveness is not weakness. It is the hardest act of strength a human being is capable of. And it is the only path to freedom.